It also doesn't help that China has a smoking problem.
But the worst kind of pollution is this: PM 2.5 particles, tiny tiny particles, even smaller than pollen particles. And they believed that allergies were bad. These PM 2.5 particles come mainly from coal. China burns almost as much coal as the rest of the world combined. Yes, even more than Uncle Nicky's Coal Emporium and Fun House.
So what is being done to fix the problem? Well, there are a lot of… uh, brilliant… ideas. Here are my 10 favorites:
Number 10: Ban things
Of course, deadly air pollution caused by unregulated factories and unrestricted coal burning is bad. But factories and coal plants make money! So the regime banned outdoor barbecue instead. That was in 2013. And it obviously didn't work out. But if you are unsuccessful at first, please try, try again!
Number 9: Suck it up!
A Dutch artist has worked with China to design this: The Smoke Free Tower.
It is essentially a giant vacuum cleaner that sucks up pollution and turns it into jewels!
Here you go, honey, I brought you this smog ring to symbolize how I feel about you.
Number 8: A drone will work, right?
I know what I want in one of the most repressive societies on the planet - Drones everywhere!
Circling in the air, spraying chemicals that will freeze pollution and allowing it to gently fall to the ground and onto the faces of unsuspecting people. Sparkly.
Number 7: Let's try to close more things
Cars and factories are some of the biggest sources of pollution. But getting rid of them would be too complicated. Except when you want to look good internationally! Like during the 2008 Beijing Olympics! Or the military parade in 2015. Or the G20 Summit this year.
But once the lights go out, things can go back to normal. It's like you just clean your house before entertaining.
Number 6: Cover it up!
Former CCTV host Chai Jing was inspired to make a documentary about pollution after her daughter was born with a tumor. The documentary went viral.
A week later, the authorities solved the problem. No, not cleaning up the pollution; but by banning your documentary. And the 200 million Chinese citizens who have already seen it surely have already forgotten what they had seen. Problem solved!
Number 5: No, literally cover it up
When you affect the world by dumping so much pollution that it even reaches the United States, what are you going to do? Fill air monitoring kits with cotton balls. Because then how will they know there is contamination? Apart from his eyes, of course.
Number 4: Turn on the sprinklers
No, not just any sprayer. Giants, giants! Put them on top of the skyscrapers. It's like sprinkling water on a baseball diamond to keep the dust down. This idea comes from Shaocai Yu, a geoengineering researcher from Zhejiang and North Carolina state universities.
Wow, his photoshopping is even worse than that of Chinese officials!
Number 3: Conversion - no longer just for infidels
If coal is the problem, then turning it into natural gas must be the solution! Natural gas is cleaner and has fewer emissions. Wow, do we have a real idea here? Well, before you get too excited, there are some problems. One, although it would not produce the same type of air pollution as coal, natural gas can "release 36-108% more greenhouse gases than coal."
You also need a lot of water for the conversion. So where should we build them? Obviously in Xinjiang and Mongolia, where there is hardly any water left. But you know, that was almost a real idea. Maybe next time it will be too.
Number 2: Space Lasers (Nop)
To reduce its dependence on energy from dirty coal, China drew up plans to build a solar-powered spacecraft. It would convert solar energy into microwave energy that would then be thrown at Earth as a giant laser beam, and then converted into electricity. What could go wrong with giant space lasers?
Number 1: Change your thinking!
Why all this negative talk about pollution? It cannot be solved. So, change your perspective! The party's spokesman, CCTV did so in an article now deleted from the internet, a CCTV editor argued that pollution has many benefits.
It didn't stop there. My favorite state outlet, Global Times pointed out that smog even has practical military applications. I mean, your enemies can't bombard you if they can't see you.
Well, all of these proposals are pretty crazy, and that's just the surface. I didn't even have time to get to the giant floating jellyfish. That will have to wait until next week, when we release "Part 2: More Absurd Solutions for Deadly Pollution in China."
The Epoch Times